My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And then my night got REAL pukey
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
