i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
