Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
