I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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