1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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