So drunk its hurt
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
