I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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