I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
