ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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