If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
