I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
