In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
