I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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