And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
