why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
