she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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