I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
