i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
