The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
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I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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