Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
