I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
