i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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