Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
