"it" just moved
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
