so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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