All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
