Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
