I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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