I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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