also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
what is it with giant penises always finding me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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