totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize