I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
