Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
