i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
even my farts smell like vagina
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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