Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
