Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
