genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
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My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
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eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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