I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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