I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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