In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
