As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
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I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
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You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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