i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
