I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
