Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
