so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
