I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
