the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
