Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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