I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
