my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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