It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
