new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
