Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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